Cancer Post #8- Is the End the End?

Here we are, wrapping up another summer as we gear up for the fall.  Lately I have been lingering in the sunlight every chance I get trying to bottle up every last ounce of warmth in preparation for winter’s cold months that lie ahead.  As I approach the one year anniversary of the day my world was forever changed, my mind lingers there which leaves me feeling unsettled and strange. In many ways, this entire past year still feels like an out of body experience.  I long for what once was, knowing it will never be again, hesitant to allow myself to believe too far into the future.  It feels self protecting, but it is likely not.  It’s a loop that some days I go round and round on, and other days, by the grace of God, I can step out of and breath again.  

God has been present in my pain and confusion.  Often, He did not feel present but even when I had no words to pray I knew He was there, still loving and still working.  He was still my God even if he felt like a God I no longer understood.  All I could do was hold on.  Someone told me in the midst of last year, you don’t get off the train in the middle of a dark tunnel.  Wait until you get back into the light to make that decision.  

This summer took an unexpectedly pleasant turn medically for me.  Although I finished up chemotherapy in December, I was expected to be on an immunotherapy infusion that ,as the months went on, began to produce some very unpleasant side effects.  On July 3rd, I went in for  an infusion of this drug and met with my Dr. beforehand.  Long story short but I left that appointment an hour later without the infusion and the decision had been made to call it a wrap and skip the rest.  It was truly a working of the Lord because as a cancer patient, you are treated (literally treated) as a number and with a universal protocol and not as an individual case.  The plan is not easily deviated from without a fight yet, I walked out of the cancer center that day with the full blessing of my Dr. and tears in my eyes.  I was done.  

The drugs are fully out of my system now the port that they used to attach all the IV’s has also been taken out.  I didn’t realize how sick I had still been feeling until just recently as my energy is back in full force and physically, I am my new normal.  Last week, I even managed to hit my personal best average mile time so in some ways, it feels like I am back.   

However,  there are parts of me that are not “back” and are a slow work in progress.  Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even relationally aren’t things that have just snapped back into place.  In moments I am OK, in moments I am not. In moments I can dream again, in moments I am sure I shouldn’t bother.  In moments there is laughter and in moments there is deep grief and tears. 

My husband’s latest analogy of my life is there is a million piece puzzle before us.  We are trying to put the pieces back together but we don’t have the box to see what the finished product will look like.  It is hard, slow, unpredictable work and some days it makes me so upset I am not sure it’s worth trying to finish.  This was not supposed to be my life.  But it is.  So now what?

So today at least, we try to move on.  I try to forget.  Sometimes I pretend.  Pretend it didn’t happen, pretend it will be OK and pretend I am OK.  Maybe all the pretending will turn into believing and believing will turn into hope again.  Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, and to God, be the glory in this broken life.  

Sometimes I wonder why we fight so hard to delay heaven.  For those of us that know Jesu we know the end is really just the beginning of an eternity we cannot fully imagine.  As the old saying goes, “I don’t know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future”  You can know Jesus and be known by Him too.  Your life may break into a million pieces on this side of eternity, but on the other side of this life, there is a reality in which you can be in the presence of your maker.  These aren’t just fancy church words, this is truth and a truth you can claim as your own.  (please reach out if you’d like to talk more about this)

I’ll never know why God allowed this past year of hell to be a part of my story.  I’ll never be thankful or happy that He did.  But, I do know this mysterious God who I know and am known by, holds me still.  Today, tomorrow, and whatever the future holds or doesn’t .  To live life with eternal perspective is the gift of all gifts.  It is the Gospel of Jesus and it is for you and it is for me.  

So that’s a wrap.  I hope you never hear from me again under the title “Cancer” anything.  Thank you for holding my family and I up through this in ways that give life and relationship depth and transcend words.  We love you all.