Panic Attack- All is Not Lost
It was happening again.
My heart picking up speed and force, beating so rapidly it felt as though it may sprout wings and fly right out of my chest.
My breathe, only a split second behind.
The feeling in my hands, as though a million pins were pricking my skin, so dull yet instantaneously so alive.
The heat, suddenly washing through my now trembling body.
Wide eyed panic began to set in.... I HAVE to get out...I HAVE to get out... the thought has filled every inch of my being.
Nothing else in that moment matters. I have lost control. I feel detached. Get out....Get out...Get out....Get out.... Death must surely be around the corner if I don't.
I break into a full sprint and push through the heavy door as the cold embraces me. The fresh air and wide open space is my redemption. I slump to the cool ground as I come back to myself. Back to reality- to clear thinking and rhythmic breathe.
Life begins to return. My thoughts clear. panic attack. The words come to me now, after, and I hang my head in defeat not for the first time. I am hopelessly stuck in a loop that crept up on me, attacking from behind, and it seems to be slowly becoming my norm. The thought of it defining me rocks me. Fear has become the enemy I can't escape. The prison I have locked myself in.
Thankfully, this is not how my story ends, nor how it begins.
My first panic attack happened shortly after I had experienced a season of life change...becoming a wife....moving to a new town...graduating from college...beginning a "real" job. It happened while I was walking through the mall. I shook it off, assuming I must be a little under the weather, the thought never crossing my mind that this would be the first of many that year. Each occurrence following gained momentum and heightened my fear. It was affecting my quality of life.
Slowly I began to stop living. I avoided places and situations where I felt trapped or far from an exit. It got to the point where I couldn't even make it through church, aisle seat aside, and the thought of walking through a large store or into the mall made me feel faint. How did it get so bad so quickly? Fear has crazy power.
I casually mentioned it to my Dr. during a routine visit and left with a prescription in hand. That is when the magnitude of what was happening hit me. My "problem" suddenly took on a new light in my own eyes. It was legit and I had the paper to prove it.
I wasn't convinced that medication* was where I wanted to begin so I hung the prescription on my fridge and began to formulated a plan. After weighing my options I decided I would first attempt to intentionally overcome these attacks and began to formulate a plan of attack.
My plan consisted of Truth....God's truth. (You knew that was coming, right?) I attacked it with prayer. I clung to, memorized, and recited a few select passages of Scripture. I spoke these words to myself out loud,with boldness and focus at the first thought of panic. I wrote them on my bathroom mirror, My dashboard was covered in note cards. My journal exploded with words. I lived and breathed these words so much so that they slowly began to become who I was, what I believed, and in response, how I responded to heightened stress.
Little by little God did a work IN me. Please understand that this doesn't mean He simply took the symptoms and attacks away immediately. Instead, He used them to draw me closer to Himself and I began to change. As I began to change my fear slowly evaporated. It took a shift in focus.
Fast forward nine years and although I have not experienced an attack since that season of life, an occasional thought sometimes claws to get a foothold again. When that happens I get ahead of it, reminding myself that I have found freedom- not only from panic attacks but freedom to live fully again. God does not give me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and sound mind*. I've realized when I make the choice to walk in that truth life is fully lived.
As I walked the Fox River Mall on black Friday this year (don't ask why), shoulder to shoulder with thousands of people, my heart began to race. This time, it wasn't driven by panic and fear but by an overwhelming sense of gratitude. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.
*medication- This is not a post on whether or not medication is a good or bad thing. Every situation is unique so let's not make it about that.
*1 Timothy:1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
My heart picking up speed and force, beating so rapidly it felt as though it may sprout wings and fly right out of my chest.
My breathe, only a split second behind.
The feeling in my hands, as though a million pins were pricking my skin, so dull yet instantaneously so alive.
The heat, suddenly washing through my now trembling body.
Wide eyed panic began to set in.... I HAVE to get out...I HAVE to get out... the thought has filled every inch of my being.
Nothing else in that moment matters. I have lost control. I feel detached. Get out....Get out...Get out....Get out.... Death must surely be around the corner if I don't.
I break into a full sprint and push through the heavy door as the cold embraces me. The fresh air and wide open space is my redemption. I slump to the cool ground as I come back to myself. Back to reality- to clear thinking and rhythmic breathe.
Life begins to return. My thoughts clear. panic attack. The words come to me now, after, and I hang my head in defeat not for the first time. I am hopelessly stuck in a loop that crept up on me, attacking from behind, and it seems to be slowly becoming my norm. The thought of it defining me rocks me. Fear has become the enemy I can't escape. The prison I have locked myself in.
Thankfully, this is not how my story ends, nor how it begins.
My first panic attack happened shortly after I had experienced a season of life change...becoming a wife....moving to a new town...graduating from college...beginning a "real" job. It happened while I was walking through the mall. I shook it off, assuming I must be a little under the weather, the thought never crossing my mind that this would be the first of many that year. Each occurrence following gained momentum and heightened my fear. It was affecting my quality of life.
Slowly I began to stop living. I avoided places and situations where I felt trapped or far from an exit. It got to the point where I couldn't even make it through church, aisle seat aside, and the thought of walking through a large store or into the mall made me feel faint. How did it get so bad so quickly? Fear has crazy power.
I casually mentioned it to my Dr. during a routine visit and left with a prescription in hand. That is when the magnitude of what was happening hit me. My "problem" suddenly took on a new light in my own eyes. It was legit and I had the paper to prove it.
I wasn't convinced that medication* was where I wanted to begin so I hung the prescription on my fridge and began to formulated a plan. After weighing my options I decided I would first attempt to intentionally overcome these attacks and began to formulate a plan of attack.
My plan consisted of Truth....God's truth. (You knew that was coming, right?) I attacked it with prayer. I clung to, memorized, and recited a few select passages of Scripture. I spoke these words to myself out loud,with boldness and focus at the first thought of panic. I wrote them on my bathroom mirror, My dashboard was covered in note cards. My journal exploded with words. I lived and breathed these words so much so that they slowly began to become who I was, what I believed, and in response, how I responded to heightened stress.
Little by little God did a work IN me. Please understand that this doesn't mean He simply took the symptoms and attacks away immediately. Instead, He used them to draw me closer to Himself and I began to change. As I began to change my fear slowly evaporated. It took a shift in focus.
Fast forward nine years and although I have not experienced an attack since that season of life, an occasional thought sometimes claws to get a foothold again. When that happens I get ahead of it, reminding myself that I have found freedom- not only from panic attacks but freedom to live fully again. God does not give me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and sound mind*. I've realized when I make the choice to walk in that truth life is fully lived.
As I walked the Fox River Mall on black Friday this year (don't ask why), shoulder to shoulder with thousands of people, my heart began to race. This time, it wasn't driven by panic and fear but by an overwhelming sense of gratitude. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.
*medication- This is not a post on whether or not medication is a good or bad thing. Every situation is unique so let's not make it about that.
*1 Timothy:1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
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