Hustle or Heart?

The other day I found myself scrolling through pictures from past trips we have taken this year which exchanged the cold, long, dark WI winter (and this year spring) for sunny, clear blue skies.  I smirked at the fun and adventure, the goofy smiles, and that wonderful sense of experiencing something new. Obviously, vacationing with kids (or family in general) didn’t ensure every moment was picture perfect.  We made wrong turns, had rainy days and overtired crabby kids. We locking ourselves out of our rental and drove head first into a tornado (true story)..... But all in all, as I looked through those pictures, happiness and joy literally jumped from my screen as a quiet question rose to the surface within me.  

Could this joy, this happiness I sometimes only deem as available for the extra special events, be available in my everyday?  And if so, what do I change to live that way?

I quickly reasoned away that question from within.  Of course not. It’s vacation. It’s suppose to be special, set apart, reserved for such a thing.  My day to day is usually a far cry from glamorous. We live in the North so 8 months out of the year it’s cold, the house stays shut tightly up, and we fight germs to no end.  There is laundry upon laundry, cleaning, dishes, meal planning, and frequent trips to the grocery store. The balance of time and question of purpose often cycle over and over, day after day in my mind and I slip into a mode that becomes automatic -  hurry, hurry, hurry.

I’m realizing this mode of survival, of hustle, of to-do lists, and “hurry ups” has a sneaky ability to push aside daily joy and happiness.  It’s there, the joy and happiness, but often I lose track of it.

My kids surpass me in wisdom, in this supernatural ability to not crowd joy out of the picture.  They display happiness more often than not.  They find joy in the little things and make games out of the difficult. They play, they laugh often… they are like I am 2 weeks out of the year when I’m in vacation mode.  They live in vacation mode in a lot of ways - in the everyday…. So maybe, just maybe, I can sprinkle those moments into my everyday too?

Most mornings I try to carve a little time out to read, reflect, and pray.  Often, this ends up being the most filling part of my day. The other morning I read a chapter entitled “Learning to Play” and in this chapter the author drives home the simple phrase:

“Hustle is the opposite of heart.”  

I live in strategy, intentionality, and lists.  I try to carve purpose out of purposeless things.  On my way to put something away I see a cobweb I’ve been meaning to wipe down for weeks so I detour to the cleaning closet for the duster and along the way trip over the million pairs of shoes left by our door which I decide to quickly put away in the coat closet until I notice upon opening is jammed full of coats, most of which we don’t use so I spend the next 30 minutes decluttering the coats only to run the goodwill bag down to my pile in the basement and guess what?  I remember that I still have a load of wash in the machine from last night which now means I need to plug in the iron and on and on it goes. For you fellow children’s book readers out there, my life feels a lot like “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”. It results in HUSTLE, HUSTLE, HUSTLE. No wonder I lose heart.

“What would our lives be like if our days were studded by tiny, completely unproductive, silly, nonstrategic, wild, and beautiful five minute breaks, reminders that our days are for loving and learning, and laughing, not for pushing and planning, reminders that it’s all about the heart, not about the hustle.” -Shauna Niequist, Present over Perfect

Summer is coming.  In just a few weeks the pool will be open, the kids will be home running wild full of chalk and sand, and I will have a choice as another season begins.  Hustle or happy? My heart longs for happy, to slow down, breathe deeply, and enjoy those warm summer moments. The daily tasks needed to keep my family afloat can’t necessarily stop, but maybe my hurried heart through it all can.   Maybe the version of me that I most love (vacation me) will start to show up more than 2 weeks out of the year. Maybe it can begin to filter through the slivers of my everyday life.

Cheers to Summer 2018, and here’s to my attempt at choosing heart over hustle more often.  

                     Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Psalm 62:1