Cancer Post#1- The Beginning

What is it like to be diagnosed with cancer at age 39?  I want to say there really are no words to describe what these past few months have been like, but that would not be true. Words are kind of my thing and other than that life shattering moment when the Dr. delivered the news over the phone and I had none, I have had many, many words.  

I honestly struggle with the thought of sharing some of these words with you because they are pretty raw and have opened up a depth of questions and emotions that I didn’t ever plan to have to face head on.  I am also still very much processing through them. I had always hoped that if an awful diagnosis did find it's way to me, that I would be much older, wiser, and more equip to accept and walk through it.

Instead, I feel the opposite.  Caught off guard, too young, inexperienced, angry, sad, confused, hurt, and now oh- so -sick- and- tired day in and out because of these awful, awful drugs, that it creates another layer I feel buried underneath.  In all honesty, I am living out one of my worst nightmares although it is not a dream that I can wake up from. Instead, it is in my face every moment of every day and when I do sleep, it is what I dream about. As one woman recently said to us "I don't care who you are, Nicki is living out one of every woman's worst nightmares."

And so, as I share, if my words unsettle you at times, please keep in mind that every person’s journey and response to their journey is different.  Each life is a unique poem and when we pause and let a person’s poem settle on our soul, it is a way in which the Holy Spirit can work in your life and in mine.  Often, we are quick to fix when perhaps, we should be first quick to listen and acknowledge the depth and complexities of the struggle.

I am forever thankful for having the most fantastic support system a person could ask for. My husband is the most amazing human being on this earth.  His steadfast love, support, and dedication is admirable.  My kids make me smile and are both my distraction and my push to keep putting one foot forward.  I have a therapist who gets me and a Spiritual Director who walks with me in a Spirit-filled way.  And what can be said of my family, friends, and the “Church” collectively?  Your daily love, support, encouragement, generosity, and care has been invaluable.  (Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!)

And then there is God and my faith journey.  I am thankful for Him although we have much work and growth to do as a result of this experience.  He hasn’t answered in the many of the ways I have begged him to in all of this, but I do hold onto a few truths that will remain unshakable. Be on the lookout for future posts on topics like this as well as a few travel posts from our wonderful summer which seems to have gotten lost in the mess of this fall.