Cancer Post #7 - Joy AND Grief, not OR

It’s been roughly one year since I unsnapped my hiking backpack and my hand brushed past the mysterious lump and this nightmare I have walked through this past year was set into motion.  It still doesn’t seem real.  The fact that it didn’t go away.  The fact that it was actually something.  Something big and life altering.  Something that would take and take and take some more.  Something that a year later, I would still be dealing with on a day by day, moment by moment basis with the finish line still fuzzy and far off.  

It’s easy to think that the moment I opened my eyes after surgery and was declared “cancer free”  that all would be well with my soul.  That my body would heal and along with it, things would go back to normal.  That in some ways, I would heal from the inside out but that has not been my experience and I am trying to wrap my mind around accepting a new reality.  

A new reality where my body has aged a decade plus in a single year, a new reality where I look in the mirror and don’t look like myself anymore.  A reality where I still have years and years before my hair is what it was.  A new reality literally marked by huge red scars and a body that will never be whole or fully healthy again.  

It’s not just the physical reality that is heavy, but the emotional trauma that is cancer too. I could have died….should have died… it came out of nowhere….  And I didn’t see it coming.  There is no promise it will not return and turn life upside down again at any given moment.  It actually opened my eyes up to the reality that terrible things can happen to ME and MY LOVED ONES at ANY given moment.  That it can all instantly be gone.  I think we all subconsciously know that, but when something like this actually happens, it shakes you to a different level of awareness and awakens anxiety in a more profound way.  

A few weeks ago I was fortunate enough to be able to afford Chemogirl hair extensions that will help me limp through the first year of hair grow-out in a way where I can feel human again.  We traveled to St. Paul MN and our dear, longtime friends from Texas flew up to help us celebrate for the weekend.  We had a wonderful time laughing and enjoying life.  There were even small bursts of time I forgot my reality and life seemed “normal” again.  But, I also had moments where I felt like time stilled and I was outside looking in.  Moments feel different now, more cherished, more special, and not promised.  There is an internal shift in me that I can’t exactly explain yet, but it is there.  Life feels different.  

The finished product! Extensions are in!

A Celebration with friends in Stillwater, MN

The same went for our family trip to Florida last week.  The beach, my happy place, didn’t make me happy all the time.  We had so many wonderful, good, rich, beautiful moments together as a family but I also had moments where grief washed over me.  Moments when reality found me and couldn’t be ignored.   

I am still getting infusions of two drugs that are targeted to kill the extra protein in my body that were responsible for feeding the cancer.  That will happen every 3 weeks through the end of September and each appointment is a solid 4 hours and in the same place I had chemo.  I am pretty sure I can self diagnose myself with PTSD. Needless to say,  those weeks are not my favorite.  I have some side effects that linger as well so I cannot wait to be done this fall.  I also still have the “port” in that makes IV access a breeze but it also means I can’t wear many of my summer clothes without it showing.  I will have that taken out in October.  Although I am not ready to share the details of my surgeries, one will have a life-long effect and the other will require me to be on medication for the next 10 years in an effort to prevent a million other problems.  And then of course, my hair won’t be long again until 2026 at best.  It seems like that shouldn’t really matter in the scheme of things, but it does. 

Some days are still dark and hard, filled with tears and grief and I get down on myself for “feeling” that way because it seems like I “shouldn’t”.  My husband reminds me on an almost daily basis that I am still “in it” and “it” won’t always be this way.  He is the best and also an optimist enough for the both of us.

Some of you know this about me, but this past fall I began a course through Christos Formation Center to become a Spiritual Director.  I have learned so much and the things I have learned about this year have been incredibly valuable in helping me process through this difficult season of life.  I thought I was doing it for the degree, but God knew better.  He did it for me.  One of the things that has been of great value is that emotions aren’t necessarily a bad or wrong thing. In fact, God often uses our emotions to move us into deeper places and when we try to push “negative’ emotions away and tell ourselves the “right” Christian response should be joy, we do an injustice to ourselves and the work God is doing.  Joy is meant to companion all of our other emotions and when they companion together, they can live into their fullness.  I am slowly understanding how to have joy AND instead of joy OR.  It’s a work in progress and clearly, so am I.  

And now, a few Florida pictures....